


And It Was like Slow Motion

by Bara_no_Uta



Category: Degrassi
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, First Time, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:02:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22369144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bara_no_Uta/pseuds/Bara_no_Uta
Summary: AU to #ThisCouldBeUsButYouPlayin: Grace reciprocates Zoë's feelings, and Zoë being a survivor of sexual assault isn't forgotten.TWs inside.---“Sure.” As Grace got up to prepare the machine, Zoë went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Part of her hoped that the space would calm the thundering in her chest, but it didn’t. Sure, she had had sex before, but she had never… felt this way. It wasn’t just because she thought Grace was really hot (though that certainly wasn’t irrelevant), but also the feeling that she wanted to be closer to her. To know more about her, to… be vulnerable with her and know that it was okay.She felt safe with Grace, as much as she could ever remember feeling with a anybody, but she was still afraid of messing things up.
Relationships: Grace Cardinal/Zoë Rivas
Comments: 1
Kudos: 29





	And It Was like Slow Motion

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Dissociation/PTSD, implied references to sexual assault, allusions to underage sex (they're like 17).
> 
> Grace returning Zoë's feelings isn't super relevant here, but the idea of the next day's scene playing out the way it canonically did after this was way too cruel/painful.

_“Unless you want to sleep over?”_

A flutter bloomed in Zoë’s chest, nerves and excitement mixing as she turned to see Grace’s reaction. When she saw Grace smile at her, she found herself nodding before her brain could even catch up. “Yeah. I—I would like that.”

“Great!”

The woman looked so excited about the prospect of her daughter having a sleepover that Zoë almost felt a little guilty. Well… she wasn’t lying. She hadn’t ever said that she and Grace weren’t more than friends. And even if she did, they hadn’t put a label on it, so… technically that wouldn’t even be false.

She looked Zoë over. “I’ve got some extra pajamas, if you need them.”

Zoë tried not to let her expression shift at all. Truthfully she wasn’t sure whether she or Grace would be wearing pajamas at all… but Grace’s mom most definitely did not need to know that. It wasn’t even just about the fact that she was pretty sure she wouldn’t be allowed to sleep over if the woman knew; she also knew better than to out someone. “Sounds great. Thank you.”

With a smile, she left the two girls alone, and Zoë looked to Grace for direction on how to proceed. Sometimes, with Grace, she felt like she had never been in a relationship before. Everything was so new and exciting… Was it that she had never liked guys in the first place? Or was it just that Grace was special? Maybe some of both? It made her feel a little awkward and uncertain, second-guessing herself in a way she hadn’t with any of the guys she had dated.

Grace looked away, something troubled in her eyes, and Zoë almost started to panic until she explained, “I have a… treatment, for my lungs that I have to do every night.”

Was she embarrassed? There was no reason for her to be… “I can wait. Or do you want privacy…?”

She thought it over, then looked up and searched Zoë’s eyes. After a moment, she took a deep breath and shook her head. “It’s fine, but you might as well go brush your teeth and stuff. It takes a while. There should be an extra toothbrush in the cabinet above the sink.”

“Sure.” As Grace got up to prepare the machine, Zoë went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Part of her hoped that the space would calm the thundering in her chest, but it didn’t. Sure, she had had sex before, but she had never… felt this way. It wasn’t just because she thought Grace was really hot ( _though that certainly wasn’t irrelevant_ ), but also the feeling that she wanted to be _closer_ to her. To know more about her, to… be vulnerable with her and know that it was okay.

She felt safe with Grace, as much as she could ever remember feeling with a anybody, but she was still afraid of messing things up.

Once she had finished getting ready, Zoë headed back to Grace’s room. She thought for a moment about knocking, but she had seen the machine Grace was using and realized that Grace wouldn’t be able to answer if she wasn’t done. Fortunately, just as she was stepping into the room, Grace was removing it from her mouth. “You all done?”

“Yeah.” She turned the machine off as she spoke, turning to look back at Zoë. She motioned at the pajamas on the bed. “Um… my mom left you those.”

“Thanks.” The uncertainty suddenly intensified, and when Grace stood, those deep eyes focusing right on her, she didn’t know what to do but to blurt out what was on her mind. “Should I… change here?”

The uncertainty in her tone made her cringe internally as it met her ears. She couldn’t remember ever being this uncertain with someone she was interested in before… but it was just different with Grace. Everything was different with Grace, and she just… needed not to mess it up this time.

Grace quickly turned her back. “Uh, I—I can… turn around.”

When she did, Zoë wanted to kick herself, wondering if Grace was completely misinterpreting her nerves and thought she didn’t want this. Wanting to clarify and not entirely thinking her words through, she said, “No. Don’t.” When the words caught up to her brain, she quickly added, “Unless you want to.”

She barely noticed Grace turning back toward her as she moved to sit back on the bed. “Why is this so weird?” She scoffed, hating her awkwardness. She had jut made it ten times weirder by saying that out loud, hadn’t she?

“Because we’re friends, and I want it to stay that way no matter what happens.”

When Grace sat next to her, it was close. So close. Their legs, their arms, their bodies were touching one another. She had expected sparks, like when they kissed, but instead it felt like a deep familiarity and comfort.

“Does… that mean you… want something to happen?” She looked to Grace, almost afraid to hear her answer. Was this where it all came crashing down?

But instead, Grace told her, “I’ve never felt this close to anyone. What if it messes everything up?”

And wow, could she relate. For a moment, it was like all the air had been sucked out of her lungs, but determined words found their way forth anyway: “I won’t let it.” Without hesitating further, she cupped Grace’s cheek and kissed her.

It was the third time they had kissed, and how was it that every time it seemed even better than the last? After pulling away, Zoë smiled. “Maybe let’s forget about the pajamas.” When she chuckled, Grace did too.

They were kissing, arms around one another as Zoë guided them to lie down on the bed. When Zoë slipped a hand under Grace’s shirt, she felt her tense and immediately paused. “Is this okay?”

Grace hesitated, searching Zoë’s eyes again, until finally she nodded. “I’m just… nervous. I’ve never really done this before.”

“That’s okay. I haven’t either… I mean, not with a girl. Practice makes perfect?” An amused smile on her lips, she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

That got Grace to smile. “Then I guess we should get practicing, huh?”

A weight seemed to lift as she proceeded, going slowly to make sure Grace was comfortable, and also because she didn’t totally know what she was doing herself.

It was fine until Grace decided to switch their positions, navigating so that Zoë was beneath her. Her face was flushed as she looked Zoë over.

Something was changing within herself. Zoë suddenly felt as if her whole body had gone numb. She did her best to act as though nothing was different, until Grace’s hand made its way to her thigh and suddenly—

“ _Stop!_ ” As she cried out, Zoë physically pushed Grace away, pulling herself into a sitting position as quickly as she could. She had already been out of breath from their activities, but suddenly it was a different kind – like she was being suffocated. Everything around her felt like a blur.

“Zoë?” Grace’s voice sounded slightly panicked for a moment. When she moved around the bed to kneel on the floor, her voice shifted to a soft concern. “Zoë, hey, look at me.”

Wide eyes met Grace’s, and part of her registered where she was but part of her felt like the world was too foggy to be certain of her surroundings.

“Zoë, it’s okay. You’re okay.” Her hands started to reach toward Zoë, but stopped before even getting close. “I’m gonna hand you some clothes, okay?”

When Grace handed her the pajamas, Zoë automatically put them on. Her brain felt disconnected from her body, but even on autopilot, she knew that she wanted to be dressed right now.

Grace put on a pair of her own pajamas, then knelt back down, giving Zoë plenty of space.

“Grace?” Reality was starting to sink in, and feelings bubbled up in her chest. Mortification at freaking out with someone she felt safe with, frustration that she was still reacting this way all this time later and that she wasn’t _past this_ …

“Yeah. It’s me,” she said. “Are you with me now?”

Everything still felt far away, but Zoë nodded. Tears filled her eyes and almost immediately spilled over, and she covered her mouth to stifle a sob. “S-Sorry.”

Within moments, Grace was back beside her on the bed. “Hey, it’s fine.” She opened her arms, expression cautious, as though afraid of making things worse.

But it was exactly what she needed, and Zoë fell into her. “I thought I was past it…”

She held her close, though careful not to hold her so tight she might feel trapped. She couldn’t find any words that felt useful – comforting others wasn’t exactly something she had a lot of experience with. Instead, the best she could manage was a quiet, “It’s okay. I’m still here.”

That was all she could ask for, really. Someone who was there for her. Who she could feel safe with, even if apparently that wasn’t enough to stop the memories from invading her mind. Zoë cried for a while, until finally forcing herself to pull it together. She didn’t feel much better, but she had already realized that all the tears in the world wouldn’t take away the pain of what had happened to her.

When Zoë pulled away, Grace brushed some hair from Zoë’s face. “I’m sorry. I know what happened – I should have been more careful.”

“Please don’t apologize.” The words were out of her mouth before she thought them over, once again, and she found herself surprised by them. In an effort to elaborate, she added, “I wasn’t exactly giving you reason to be careful. I thought I was fine too.”

She seemed to think it over. “Let’s say, it’s neither of our faults. It just… happened. Yeah?”

Nodding, Zoë wiped at her cheeks. “Yeah.”

A silence hung between them, the atmosphere having become heavy. It was Zoë who spoke up again. “I’m… not sure when I’m going to be ready, I guess. I want to be… I really want to be. But obviously I’m not.”

“That’s fine. We can take it as slow as you need to.” Grace took a deep breath, looking intently into Zoë’s eyes. “I’m not going anywhere.”

She smiled, reaching out to hold Grace’s hand. “Thank you. For tonight, can we… maybe just cuddle?”

Grace raised an eyebrow. “What part of me makes you think I’m a cuddler?”

The teasing response came as an immense relief: Grace wasn’t acting differently. Grace wasn’t treating her as though she were fragile. “The fact that you have a huge soft spot for me, of course,” she teased back, grinning.

She didn’t try to deny it. “Whatever, but I don’t do little spoon.”

Zoë giggled as the two of them climbed under the covers and Grace turned out the light.

Grace’s arm around her, she felt secure. The steady rhythm of Grace’s heartbeat beneath her ear was calming, and she found herself drifting toward sleep more easily than she had in a long time. Still, there was something else she wanted to say before they fell asleep.

“Grace?”

“Mm-hmm?”

She exhaled slowly. “Thank you. For earlier. And for not… looking at me differently.”

“That’s not something you need to thank me for. I love you, dummy.”

Zoë chuckled, her words sarcastic as she responded, “You’re so romantic.” But she loved that about her. “I love you, too.”


End file.
